AUGUST 6th, 00:43
Ok i wanted to sleep early but something needs to be said so let’s see.
A fucking mosquito came to bites me. And I was like ok calm down sleep.
But it’s like, ok.
Today was my first day to the new job I took. It’s in a restaurant, not far from my home. There’s not a lot of people, it’s calm, I don’t have a lot things to do. I mean it the best shitty job you can have. Like it’s the niche. Not too much to do. Easy.
But even if I was ok it’s nice, it’s to have a money and I’m ok to exchange my time for money and do this.
But, because with me there’s always a « but ».
Spending time there, just woke up something in me. Like « WAKE UP GIRL ! »
Just sometimes we are waiting, we are scared, we have doubts etc. But why are we like so lazy to have the life we want. Like as if it wasn’t important. Like « oh no the life I want can wait »
But wait for what, for how long ?
Like working in a job that I know it’s not the place I have to be makes me reminds that if I don’t move my ass I’m not gonna have the life I want.
I think working put me in the « I don’t give a fuck mode » the « I have nothing to loose mode »
Like it’s not how much I want the life I want. It’s how much I don’t want the life I don’t want. Sometimes it’s motivates me more than thinking of the life I can have.
Thinking that if I don’t move my ass, if I don’t try to grow, learn, create every day if I don’t do my job, if I don’t do this I will have this life. Working, spending hours doing a job that everyone else can do instead of doing my job on earth. And knowing that it’s not the place I have to be and to try to not see it filling my mind with bullshit, with social media, YouTube, movies, series, eating junk food, not taking care of me, just letting myself goes, like let the life decide for me, let other people decide for me, loosing my power.
Everything is here to distract you from what you have to do, from creating your life, your incredible life, everything is here to makes you take another path, like take the comfortable way, the nice and comfy way.
Life is challenging you, how much do you want the life you want ?
I mean you can take the comfy way if it’s ok for you. But if you know you are called for something bigger life is going to challenge you. And if you try to convince you that you’re here to have this comfy life but deep inside you know that nope it’s not for you, life is going to show you the way. In the way that sometimes you will prefer to not live. Life, universe, god, whatever put you signs all the time. To show you the way.
But when you try to not see them. To say like hummm no I don’t know if it’s really for me, I’m not good enough, I’m not brave enough, talented enough etc. And so you continue to your comfy life.
When you do this, when you ignore signs. If life wants you to do something she will find way to make you understand and do your fucking job on earth.
The more you resist the more the sign will be bigger and like not comfortable.
Let’s take my case to understand.
I study something that the moment I « candidate » I knew that I didn’t want it. I was accepted.
The day before the « rentrée »
Intoxication alimentaire. I thought I was going to die.
So first day I knew, all the time the time I knew ! It wasn’t for me.
But for a lot of reason I decide to not listen. Because I thought it will be easier. I’m not gonna leave the first day I mean it makes no sense.
So I continue, pushing myself to see like « oh it’s just the beginning it’s going to get better » « it’s not that bad, don’t be too demanding », etc a lot of blabla.
I wasn’t listening, I knew, inside of me I knew. I mean everyone knows what they have to do. But I didn’t want to listen because I was scared to see the truth, I was scared to be honest with me, like really honest with me. I knew I didn’t like it. The thing I didn’t want to see is I have to go, I have to leave.
So I was doing a lot of things to not see, to not listen.
Looking at memes for hours, spending my time on my phone instagram, Pinterest, Facebook. Scrolling like a zombie. Putting my music in my hears, pushing the sound to the highest level to not hear, to not listen to my thoughts.
Doing everything to just fill my mind.
Because I was scared like if I start listening I know what I have to do and I prefer to convince me that it’s not that bad instead of taking this decision.
So yes, doing a lot of things to not be conscious.
But Eheh ! When you don’t want to listen to your mind your body is here !
He’s here to tell you, to show you that hey look, something wrong is happening, you should listen.
So my body shows me that there’s something wrong here. So first the intoxication, then I was tired all the time, i was like aaaargh life is sooo aaaaaargh, I’m tired !!!! Wake me up when my life is getting better please.
I was still not listening to this. So let’s get to the higher level.
Lack of sleep, nightmares almost every nights, waking up in the middle of the night like my heart is beating fast, I don’t know what’s going on, feeling stressed.
Still don’t listening.
So increase of stress, a few panic attack, no sleep, tired all the time, when I was in my period I felt like my body is just here to hurt me, don’t really want to eat or eating shitty food, what else ?
Depressed ! Yes a lot of sadness, I was feeling lost, feeling lonely in my shit. No one around me seems to feel what I was feeling. Or if they were, no one have solutions.
Just aaaargh, gné, tired, depressed, lost, lack of sleep, appetite, confidence, lack of everything ! I was feeling like I didn’t love anything everything was « ok not so bad » just gneeeee. This period was gneeeee !!!
I can talk about this for days like all the stuff I learned but I wasn’t talking about this at the beginning so let’s go back to what I wanted to say !
When you know something is not for you, something is going wrong with your life, with a relationship (same shit happened with my last relationship like I didn’t want to see the truth, other story for another time) when you know ! Because YOU KNOW !
Deep inside you know, like yes, yes this little voice that just came now telling you what’s going wrong now. Yes this little voice, you have to listen to her. She knows, better than you think. Don’t try to find logic, your intuition knows better than you, she’s always right.
Don’t try to fight, to resist to it. Just follow. Listen.
I don’t know if it was clear the « why » I tell you the story of me in my studies. But the thing I wanted to say is, i knew at the very beginning that it wasn’t for me. My little voice told me, and tried to tell me, show me a 1000 times that I wasn’t doing what I have to do, what I truly want to do.
This voice tried to tell me. The more I was trying to not listen the more and the highest was the sign. And it was more and more uncomfortable and arrgh.
Until the point that it was too much for me, like I cannot handle it anymore, it was really too much, and FINALLY I listen. Because the signs was too hard.
Like I have no choice to just leave, it was this choice or continuing to be depressed, sad, and starting getting sick.
But if i listened to this little voice at the very beginning. All this shity stuffs that I will truly prefer to not live will not happened.
Just listening to this voice that I was thinking « oh no it’s nothing » just this little voice who tried to aware me from this. I just had to listen.
When you don’t listen life find ways to make you listening. Ways that she knows you’re going to listen. For me it was like this. But for other people it’s someone died, they are sick, a breakup, whatever life is going to put you stuff that you are going to listen to. Like signs that you can’t ignore.
Anyway. Please listen !
I’m glad for everything I lived because now I’m here and I learn all those stuff. But sometimes you learn in a way that you prefer to avoid.
So LISTEN !
This little voice is the truth !
She’s here for you, she knows you better than you. She knows what is good for you. She know that you have something to do on earth and that what you are doing now is not what you should do. So listen
Maybe what you’re doing now is what you should do so continue. If that brings you joy it’s the right way 🙂
If not, change.
You are the only one who can change your situation.
If you don’t like your situation so…change it.
Yes yes « it’s easy to say but not easy to do »
Yes but if you want life to show you this in the way that you don’t want ok follow this mindset of finding excuses. I mean you lie just to you. You don’t need to tell the truth to people. But don’t « mentir » lying to you is not helping you.
You choose.
Find excuses to not live the life you want, to not do what brings you joy. And finally the only one who’s not happy is you.
Let’s stop being the victim of life, victim of people of whatever. We have the power to change things.
We are the souverain of our life. We decide. We choose.
I think working and not doing what I want, and seeing people doing this and not doing something to change it and not being happy with this. I mean seeing this just makes me AAAAAAARGH I want to just aaargh !
Like just Jesus ! What’s going on with the fucking world ?!
So people are to just spend their time to not be happy and die.
Like it’s normal for everyone.
It’s ok to wait to have the life we want and wait all our life for this.
It’s ok to stay in relationship that doesn’t bring us joy.
It’s ok to not do what we truly want because of our own excuses.
It’s ok, it’s ok to not live.
I mean, I’m just like, people need a wake up call.
Like something to just makes them move.
What are they waiting for.
We all have excuse to not do what we love, to not do our job on earth. We all have those excuses !
But the choice is simple at the end or at the beginning.
What do you choose ? Life or death ?
Like it’s as simple as this question.
Do you choose to live, truly live, everything, try everything you want, do everything that brings you joy whatever people can say, even if you’re scared, so choose to be you or to live for others ?
You’re going to die alone.
Like just remind you this.
So you live for who ????
Si you live for you or for your boyfriend, sister, parents, collegues, for whooo ?!
I mean I don’t know how can I say this to the world like, I feel really like Jésu so now we have internet We have books and there’s still people who not live the life they want, who are not working to have the life they want.
Like I don’t know how to say this to the world ! Like LIVE !
It’s makes me angry and sad like seeing all those people who may die without being really happy, without doing what they love, without experimenting life as they wanted.
Do you remember the time when you were a child, when everything was possible. It’s the same time now. Everything is still possible and now you have the freedom to do it.
I mean gneeee, I just want to shout and wake up everyone ! Like HEY YOUR LIFE IS WAITING FOR YOU TO BE LIVED !!!!!
Just I confronted to people who seems sad and who just don’t do what they love. And I’m just Jésu like what can i do to help
I’m just sad, angry, and frightened by this. Like it’s scares me to see this reality of the world. The one who just live without being conscious.
I have faith in the world, that it’s going to get better. But seeing this is like argh seeing that you have much more work than you thought.
And I mean you can’t help everyone like some people are in their own stuff and they don’t want anything else.
But those people who don’t love their life, who dream of something better, of living a life they want. Those people needs us. Those people needs me.
Someone to open their eyes, their mind, to show them how life can be beautiful for them too.
The world needs me, the world needs you, us. Like we have all something to do here.
Like knowing how life is beautiful how happy you can be, how good you can feel, like experiment this.
After living this you can’t keep it for you. It’s so good like you have to show this to people, people needs to feel like you feel, to feel that feeling when you’re just here, feeling so good, so rich just because you are here living.
People needs to know this feeling.
Sometimes I feel that the work is too big for me. But thanks to the world I’m not alone here.
You who read this you have something to bring to the world whatever it can be.
The thing that brings you joy will bring joy to other people too.
When you do something you love, something that makes you feel good. After you’re just like a human full of love and positivity and you spread this good energy around you.
When you feel good you want to help people, you want to love people etc
But everything start with feeling good with you.
Everything start with you.
When you feel good you spread good energy around you and other people spread this energy too.
That’s the same with shitty energy it’s spreading too.
It’s like a boomerang. You « lance » this is the world and it comes back to you with a lot of force.
But if you « lance » bad vibes, energy those will come back to you with more force.
Imagine the power of putting good energy in the world.
Ok i feel tired now it’s 2:33 am
I think I needed to just put my thought out of me as always.
But it’s so important for me. Like it makes me sad to see people not being happy as I am. I’m not happy all the time. But those feeling that I felt, feeling that you are living, truly, fully, you feel everything around you, all this energy like it makes me sad that some people don’t live this.
And they can.
You can.
I’m just like how can I help ?!
I can’t help everyone but I can help.
Even if it’s one person.
I can help.
I just want people to feel how I felt.
When I was in Lisbon I discovered it. Like really loving and living life, being present, being here.
It was so good I can’t explain.
And I just want people to know this.
I’m going to try to sleep.