Who am I ?
Who am I when I’m not creating something
When I don’t draw
When I don’t take pictures
When I don’t take videos
When I don’t do something
When I don’t write
Who am I when I have nothing to prouve to anyone
Who am I when no one is waiting for me
Who am I when no one as expecting anything from me
Who am I when I talk to no one
Who am I when I have nothing
Who am I when I have no clothes
No house furniture
Who am I when I don’t «have »
Who am I when I don’t «do »
Who am I ?
What it’s look like to exist ?
To be ?
How is it ?
who am I when I’m not an artist
When I’m not a girl who share her life on social media
When I’m not a girl who likes this or that
Who am I ?
Who am I ?
Who am i when I’m not describing myself by the old version of me
When I don’t describe me based on something I was
Something I knew I was
Who am I now ?
Who is me ?
A soul here
Someone here to live
All I want is to feel alive
I feel I’m not “here” in the place I’m living right now
Where am I so ?
I don’t know
I can’t think of a place to be
Like I can’t visualize something where I will live for a long time
I can’t see anything
I don’t feel here
But I don’t feel I want to go somewhere or a place is calling me
I don’t feel to create something
I don’t feel to move somewhere
I don’t feel to do anything
Just writing what I feel now
This is the only thing that’s here
The only things who stay is this
Writing what I feel
Putting some words on this
My bedroom is almost empty
Stuff are in bags or boxes
Like I was moving
Like I was already somewhere else
Like I don’t live here
I’m not here
I don’t live here
I don’t feel that I’m living
I feel I’m preparing something
Like I built something while I put everything away
I built something while I’m burning everything
I still have clothes because I can’t go out naked but even those don’t look
Now I’m no one
I don’t feel something special about feeling that I’m no one.
I’m just like I don’t know how to describe this
Like I don’t feel something
I’m not sad about letting everything behind me
I’m not scared about what can happened
For now I’m now
And I kinda feel nothing
It’s like I’m burning and killing the old version of me, no, she’s already dead
but it’s like now I let her goes
Like I feel I’m in between now
Between burning and letting go the old version of me and building the new me
So for now I’m nothing
I’m not a writer, I’m not an artist, I’m not writing a book, not travelling,
not selling something, I’m not studying, I’m not working somewhere, I’m not
I have no post-it to put on my forehead.
I have no box to fit into
I have nothing to relate to.
I have a few things to let go
Still have to make space
I need to go at this point
And see what’s left.
Have the space for new things.
New space, new experiences, new people, new, new.
I threw old fruits in trash.
To finally have nothing to eat.
And appreciate the new fresh fruits, to love all the juice and sweetness of
September 15, 00:53
The other day a guy asked me
«are you from here ? Paris »
I answered yes
But after I think of this and I was like hmmm no, I’m not from Paris, I’m not from somewhere.
I’m not here, not from here.
I’m here and everywhere else at the same time.
I don’t feel that I have a home, a home who feels like home.
I don’t know if I’m able to feel at home somewhere. Like a physical place.
When I’m somewhere, I feel I’m here for a time
And when I feel that my time is not counted I feel that I’m stuck.
I start feeling argh.
Feeling that I’m not moving, that things are not moving.
This is uncomfortable for me.
Having a routine, waking up in the same place everyday, sleeping in the same
place everyday. And knowing that it’s not going to change makes me feel that
I’m not living.
I need to move.
Not moving fast.
Taking the time to live each moment.
When things are here for an undefined time I don’t appreciate them as much as I can.
When I’m somewhere and I don’t know for how long I will stay I start feeling
like I let myself dying a bit.
Like not living as full as I could.
Let myself live but not as much as I can live.
In French we say « vivoter » I don’t know if there’s a word for this.
It’s like living but not intensely, kind of surviving. For me this is my
meaning of this word.
I need to feel movement of life.
I need to feel that I’m really living and not « vivoting »
I don’t want things to go fast and don’t have time to appreciate them. But I
want to feel in movement
Feel life in my body.
Feel the energy of life in my body.