AUGUST 22, 15H43,
Fresnes-Les-Bains, in my bed.
I archive things, all the time i want to capture things, things I see, things I live, things I think of
I was thinking I archive it just for me. But I think it’s more than that.
I archive things because I know my existence can help people.
Like seeing the way I live, the way I see life, the way I think can help people.
I archive everything because I want to let something. A reminder not just of me. But a reminder of how the life of this girl was. To inspire people. To make people think about their own life. About life in general.
So I try to archive everything. I take pictures, videos, I write, I draw, I archive the music I listen to.
But I love doing this, creating things. But after like I have to give this to the world because how my existence can help people if no one see what I created, what I’ve done, what I lived.
I think it’s not my work to make the job of sharing. It’s my job to create.
Because sharing take a lot of time. It’s not just sharing on Instagram it’s like making something that people can see, find a way to make what I create how can I explain this like find the medium to share what I create with people.
I create all the time, and if I spend to much time on finding ways to share my work, to bring it to the world, i don’t spend this time creating and existing.
Because my existence inspires people, like I know I just have to live my life to help people, I only have to do what I love doing to help people.
I try to find a balance between, creating, living my life and living experiences which inspires me to create, and sharing, find ways to give what I create to the world.
But I feel like I can’t do both.
I can live and create but I can’t share.
And like all the time I start a new project I love the time when I create, but after I create the biggest part of the things after i get bored and I want to do something new, like my mind is already I new projects.
And I’m like ok maybe it is how it is, maybe my job is not sharing now, maybe my job is not being the project to the end, maybe it’s just creating all I have to create in this project and after let this goes. And maybe it’s going to inspires someone in 50 years.
Like maybe I will not see the finish project, maybe I’m just here to create the thing and create something else but don’t see the project finished.
I don’t know. I feel this for my book, I feel I still need to work a bit on it, but I’m like my mind is already somewhere else. I want to do something else and I’m writing this and I’m like ok if I decide that I let this, like I’m done with this, I don’t feel I’m done with this already. I feel I have to do a bit more. There’s still things to do.
Maybe I’m just in the moment when it’s not creativity and excitation but perseverance.
But I feel I want to travel and go back to Lisbon. And I can do both.
I think my work of writing is done that’s why I want to move. I have everything now, almost, I just have to put things together.
But I feel that I have to start the other project, of travelling, and living, because without this I don’t feel to work on my old project (my book)
I have to start the new one, to finish to old one. It’s not I have to finish and after start another. I feel like I have to move, I want. My life is calling me.
In July I knew I needed to write everything down, and I wanted to, even if it was hard sometimes it was ok like it was the new part where I have everything to do, to write, overwhelming moment but nice.
And I knew I have to be here, be somewhere where I just have to do this, write, write, write. I just had this in my mind.
Now I feel the only thing in my mind is moving, living, dancing, feeling the sun and the sand.
And I’m like but my book is not finished and if I move it’s going to take much more time.
But here I’m not working on it because I don’t feel inspired, i feel my soul is already somewhere else, it’s not the time for me to create now, it’s the time for me to let things goes, to get rid of things, of material stuffs.
This book need to exist, but I need to live. If I don’t live how I want this book is not going to exist. Or maybe it’s not going to exist, it’s already exist it’s just it’s not in a proper way to be read now. But everything is here.
The things I feel is preparing my departure. Keeping just what I want, I need. And let everything goes away.
I don’t need all of those objects, all of those plants, all of those clothes.
I just need to live.
Maybe this book will be finished in 2 weeks or in 2 years or 10, I don’t know.
I need, I want to live. I want to be where I have to be. I want to live my life.
My time is in Paris is done. I have to move somewhere else now.
I think of Portugal because I feel comfortable there. It’s like home, yes, it’s home there. Like it’s weird to say this but really it feels like home there. More than here.
I like being here I’m with my family, i have nothing to pay, I’m comfortable. Paris is beautiful in summer.
But I feel I have to be somewhere else, I feel like my place is somewhere else.
My home is not here.
A book from a architect or designer is called « home is where the heart is »
This, makes so much sense.
Like I discovered this maybe a year ago, I didn’t read the book.
But this sentence. Like it’s so true.
And my home is not here in Paris, my heart is not here.
My heart is somewhere else. For now I feel it’s in Portugal again.
I was thinking when I was there oh I have to explore the world, I have to go to Greece. (Intuition to go there)
So I moved, because I think my intuition or whatever who is this knows better than me.
If I have the intuition of going back home to write a book I will never moved from Lisbon to come back in Fresnes-les-bains. But going in another foreign place was exciting for me.
So I was like ok if I’m called there I will follow this and go.
But finally, life took me back here in Paris, in my home town. To write, create. To understand a lot of things, to learn a lot.
And now life is calling me back in Portugal. So I have to follow this.
A few days, weeks before I was feeling like in a haze like what should I do ? And I was feeling like hmmm Greece now is not where I want to go now. But I didn’t want to admit it. I was like euh I moved from Lisbon to go to Greece so I have to go.
But now I think that Greece was just a way for my mind to make me move here. And now I feel that I don’t want to go there. Like I don’t feel it. I mean not like in a bad way like I have a bad feeling but just like i feel I have to go somewhere else.
Because when I was thinking of the life I wanted now, like what do I want now.
All the things I wanted wasn’t there.
When I wanted to go to Greece I think I wanted just to be somewhere where the only thing I have to do is writing. Because I had to write this book. But now that I wrote everything (almost).
I feel like now it’s not the place.
Now I want to live, I want to be where I feel myself. And I’m me everywhere I am, I just decide, but there’s places where you feel your soul is. Like I feel my soul is right there so I have to go there to see.
And maybe it’s going to leads me somewhere else as the same with Greece i don’t know. I just follow.
So yes. I didn’t want to admit that first it’s not Greece where I feel to go. And that I feel to go back in Portugal. Because whyyyy ? Like sure I love this place and I have a lot to discover more, but I was like but what am I going to do there, like for which reason should I go back there ?
I was feeling that I make my time there (Can we say that in English ? I don’t know)
Like I feel like now it was the time to go somewhere else. And I don’t know why I didn’t want to admit that I wanted to go back. I don’t know why.
So yes, finally change my mind even if I was thinking of going in Greece, now I feel I have to go somewhere else so I will go somewhere else.
And I feel that it’s going to be easy.
Like things are going to put them together much more easily than for Greece.
So let’s see.
I follow life, I follow where I have to go, I follow where I’m called, i follow what I feel to do, create, write.
I control nothing
I just follow
I let everything behind me. Universe can do what he want. It’s always for good reason.
I don’t resist (I try to).
I accept the mission.
August 22, 15h43, fresnes les Bain in my bed.