August 4 2019 7:00
Fear of loving
We are scared of loving
Loving scares us, loving scares me
Because I know
Once I love I really love
Once I love I can’t control
I loose all the logic
It’s like letting you falling somewhere
Yes falling in love obviously
But yes loving is scary like you want to love but once you start loving someone you don’t Want to
Because you know that this can hurt you
This will hurt you
But you choose
You choose to love now,
You can’t do anything else
It’s here
Being true with ourselves is hard
Like I’m scared to love someone again
Because for now, I’m single and I love it
Because it’s easy (easier)
I only have to deal with me
And people I met are here for a night, a few days and after I go back to me, with me
But you don’t know
You don’t know when you can meet someone that you don’t want to let go
Like you know there’s something
This is scary
Like I don’t know how to deal with love
I like the idea of loving, being with someone but for now I feel that I’m not ready
And you’re never ready
We don’t’ have a « guide »
An « how to deal with love to not be hurt »
It’s scary
I’m scared to love someone
Like, I’m vulnerable when I love
I can’t hide me, and all the stuff I try to hide when I’m with myself, like being with someone just shows off all those things you don’t want to see
And that’s what makes love nice too
It makes you grow.
But I feel like for now, I need to be alone
I love being with myself
Like, all the space I have to think of me, my life, to create.
Being with someone takes space in your mind, sometimes to much that you forget yourself, that you live for the relationship
I was dreaming of a friend of mine, who loves someone and like, I was seeing her and now understanding.
And saying to her : “You’re scared honey, that’s normal, you need to be healed, you need to heal you.”
It’s like as if I was feeling what she was feeling at this moment.
Before I understood how she felt but I was trying to I don’t know I was a bit detached
I didn’t want to see and to remember that Jésu honey ! I know and this need a lot of courage !
Loving someone is a challenge, not that loving is difficult, the challenge is to deal with you, all your fears, insecurities, things that you thought was ok, now they came back to you
And you try to hide it, to not see them, to not tell them
But they are here, just in front of you
So say “hi” to them, take care of those fears, try to know where they come from, like, not just they come from another relationship but the deeper source, the real deep source.
I think I try to let people stay away from me, like keep the distance
Because I know, all this stuff scares me, that’s not that I don’t want to love, is like I know I can love but dealing with all those stuff who comes with it, I don’t know if I’m ready for now
I need space, I still need to heal some part of me
I still need to take care of the things that I want to hide
Like when I think of loving someone it’s like a huge fog in my mind
Like I feel that you get lost in it, you loose your landmarks
Like now you have to deal with all those stuff and you wasn’t ready for this but now you have to work on this, you need to
And that’s why loving is scary,
And that’s why loving is nice too
And powerful
It makes you grow
It shows off all of those old things that you wanted to hide
But it’s to make you grow
Loving someone is loving yourself
The other person is not here to heal you, to take care of your new insecurities that shows off
You have to do it and the other one have to do it too
But you can do it together
Healing yourselves together
Not waiting for the other one to take the magic wand and solve all of your stuff
But say that let’s do this together let’s try to grow together
Let’s tackle that bastard together
Each one deal with his own things
But it’s like a team it gives you force to make things happens
I’m scared of this,
Like for now, I don’t know if I have the energy, the space to love someone
I mean yes I have it, if I decide too
But I don’t know if I want to
I love being with me
But I know I keep people away from me, i keep the distance
I’m scared that I start loving someone and after I forget myself
I forget myself once
And the feeling of, like, now you are you, with you
Like rediscovering yourself
This feeling is wow Jésu how did I do to forget this, to think that I’m not the most important person in my life
Like how ? !
I’m so grateful for the last relationship I had
I learn so much, it was nice to grow with this person
Like it was nice to share this part of my life with him
Learning all those things
Like now I see, I see all the things I learned, how I grew
All this moments
I’m really grateful for that
But I’m scared to get lost in a relationship
I’m scared to forget myself again
Now that I rediscovered myself I don’t want to loose it
And yes loving someone doesn’t mean that you have to forget you
But yes
I’m tired now, i have to sleep
I know I can love someone again but for now I feel like I need to let my heart sleep a bit
Be healed a bit more
Take time to learn from the last relationship and see what I want how I want a relationship to be
And when I write this I’m like it’s not a thing that you plan like I want this to be like this
But more like knowing what you need, I mean knowing you
Just knowing you first
I know I need space
Like I feel I want to love, u know
But aaaaargh
When I think of it
I’m like aaah I’m already tired of all the work behind this
I don’t want to say hi to my insecurities, fears etc
I know love isn’t just this etc
But argh
I need space in a relationship but I just think that for now
I just need space in general like being alone on an island and have to deal just with myself
Because it’s easier
I’m going to sleep now
It’s ok
It’s ok to take time
It’s ok to want to be alone for now
It’s ok
You need time to heal you
You need space to heal you
You need to be with you for now
And that’s ok
It’s ok if you’re not ready for now
You have time
This time is important,
This time alone is precious
It’s ok
It’s ok to love being with you
It’s ok to love that much being with you that for now you want to stay with you
Too much time forgetting myself now I need to be with me
I need this time
I love this time
But sometimes we think that it’s not normal to loving that much being alone
That you need to be with someone
Like what is wrong with you ? You don’t want to be with someone ?
Like as if loving yourself wasn’t enough
Sure I’m scared of loving someone again and it’s part of the decision to stay alone
But I love being with me
I love hanging out with myself
Like I really love it
I love having all this space in my mind to create the life I want, to live the life I want
All this space just for me
I just start discovering this
Discovering this space and
Discovering me
I need to take time to enjoy this
If I meet someone and start loving someone, after you don’t know for how long it will last
So this time just for me is important, precious
I need this time
I love this time
I was like but is there something wrong like yes I’m scared of loving again but it’s not just this, i don’t have the space for someone else than me for now, and I don’t want to make this space
Like I need to create stuff, and I need to focus on this
And just I love me, I love being with me
I love this new relationship
I’m already in relationship with myself
And I don’t have to feel guilty or something
I love being with me and I need to be with me for now
I can be with some people but like not for too long, I need to take my own road, to follow my own path
For now it’s like this, maybe it will change.
I don’t know when.
But for now it’s what I want. And that’s ok.
Being with me, taking care of me, dating myself, giving love to me.
I have time to be with people, but for now I want to be with me. Doesn’t matter for which reasons, this what I want.