Real Lifetober #1

Today I feel like I don’t have any energy to do something.
Like my energy is absorbed by something.

In all my body I feel tired, argh.

Today, like yesterday I didn’t knew what to do.
Like really, I was here and like I have nothing to do.
I mean I have things to do like working in my book, on videos.
But I wasn’t feeling to work on this.

I took the decision to move in October, I feel like I take this decision every month. But now I decided to move my ass.

But really it was kind of ridiculous, I was here and not knowing what to do to move away from my hometown.
I feel stuck here, like I have no exit.
I feel I’m going to stay here all my life. Even if there’s this part of me who knows that I’m going to move.

But I don’t know when, and how. And I feel it’s taking too much time.

I know this time is for something, I have to learn something.
But I feel really frustrated sometimes, and hopeless.

So yes really I feel like nothing is happening, like nothing is moving.
And I was telling that I don’t know what to do to move.
But I knew. But I didn’t like the answer I get.

Like when I’m here, in Paris suburb I don’t feel that I can be me, the real me, I feel I’m not in the right place, anyway I just feel argh when I’m here and I feel that I can’t create things I want to create here, like I’m not in the mood kind of.
But I’m not in the mood all the time because I’m here.

So yes, first it’s an excuse, but it cost me to much energy to try to be in the mood.
So the things is,ok I have to move and go where I feel better, where I feel at home, where I feel me.

But like everyone knows, to move you need money.
And I was resisting a lot to find a job.
Because you know me, maybe. But working for someone else is arrrfh for me.
So I was resisting like «no I can make money by being me, I can make money on my own »
And of course I can.
But I don’t feel me here, I feel more frustrated than generous.
So I have to move.
Because in the place where I feel me, I can create what looks like me and money will follow.
But now I don’t feel that I have enough energy to create something and sell it.
Because first If i do it it’s not for the good reasons.
And I’m not sure with all the energy that I will have the results.

And so now I understand why people have a «normal job »
Because they are sure that at the end of the month they will have money.
While when you work for you you’re not sure.
Everything depends on you.
And when you’re in a bad energy so you can’t create, so you can’t make money.
Everything depends on you.
Which is good.
And sometimes it’s not.
Because the work you have to do is on your energy.
You’re on a low, frustrated energy you can’t create good things.
And when you’re in a good, high energy now you can create great stuffs.
Everything depends on your energy.

So yes what I was telling ?

So the answer I have for my question of what can I do to move was go find a job.
And all the day I resisted.
Really like today I feel that I’ve done nothing.
Which is not true.
But I was here at home knowing what I have to do, and no, nothing, really like my body, me, it was like I can’t.
And I was angry at me like wtf are you doing move your ass.
There’s no excuses !
And no, nothing.
After it was too late to go and start looking for a job. So I was really like Am i serious ?
And all the day I was trying to find something to do.
But nothing.
Like really nothing.
It was really frustrating.
Like argh.
And finally I was like you know what ? Let’s be kind with yourself.
It’s ok, today wasn’t the day. That’s ok.
And I tried to find all the stuffs that I’ve done today.
Like ok today with my shitty, low energy I still have done some stuffs.

But it’s really hard like I know I have to move, my life is waiting for me there. And I don’t know what to do.
The more I stay here, the more I feel I’m doubting about everything.
And the more things seems to be like aaaargh, so slow, so not me !

Finally it was about 7-8pm.
I was like you know what I don’t know what to do to move, I have no clue of what I should do, I’m argh, I’m lost.
So I was like ok the only thing I know I have to work on is my book. So let’s do something with it.
I translated a text that I wrote in French. And after this I was so tired.
Really like I don’t understand how this can happened
It’s not you’re tired because you run all the day, or you’ve done a lot of things so you’re tired but in the good way.
I was just tired like, no energy.
I decided to go to sleep so.
Finally I’m here 23h14 writing for an hour.

I feel when I’m lost, tired, argh, the only thing left is writing.
Like it’s the only thing I can do in this energy.
And I tried to sleep but I can’t like wtf ?!
So I can’t work, can’t do anything because I’m tired, but I can’t sleep.
So what ?!

I don’t want to complain.
Because like I’m in this energy now, but I know, i know this is here for something and I know the thing I want is on his way.
I feel that I have to «do »
I want this to come now. So I’m frustrated because it’s not here for now.
But I know.
I know it’s on his way.
Even if I’m in this energy.
I know that I will think about this moment and be thankful for it because without this I may not create what I’m going to create (which I don’t know what for now)

But I know things will get better as always.
The universe is always with me.
He is working so I let him work and I try to not rush him and be on his back like «hey are you working to give me the life I want?! »
Because by doing this I’m disturbing him. So he can’t do his job while I’m disturbing it. U know
So things takes more time.

So I let him do his work. And I try to do mine.
I let him Take the time he have to take
And I know
Things will come at the perfect time as always.

Thank you.